By Elizabeth Herman | Posted: April 17, 2020
Suddenly staying home to lessen the spread of the current covid 19 pandemic can put members of any family on edge, which in turn can lead to arguments in an otherwise harmonious family. In a seven minute talk, Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar enthusiastically encourages intelligent family members to argue, but not to get too adamantly stuck in their positions.
He asks, “Are you having arguments at home? Are you? If you’re having them, then you’re human. Then you’re smart. If there’s no argument at home at all, then it’s a sheep farm, a chicken farm, I tell you. Human beings should have to exhibit their differences, and that will always end up in arguments. If there are arguments at home, you’re a healthy family.”
However he also warns listeners not to go too far with their fighting. “But don’t let it go out of control. I usually say that ashrams are like zoos, not poultry farms, because there are all different types of people there. Similarly, at home, remember you have five fingers. Every one is different. If different people aren’t at home, if they’re all the same, if all fingers are the same, nothing can happen. It will be so dull, unproductive, uncreative, and even more boring.”
Connection: an underlying current
Gurudev continues, “People are different, and so, you end up arguing, right? But underneath that, there’s a connectivity. We’re all connected. You’re connected with your blood, you’re connected in your genes, you’re connected with a deep sense of love and belongingness, and that’s also one of the reasons for fights. So, arguments indicate strong, individual, intellectual abilities. How does the argument begin? You say something. The other person isn’t receiving it. They’re talking about something else. Your ideas aren’t matching.”
It’s only natural, in Gurudev’s view, that human beings are different and express diverse ideas. He explains, “Different perceptions are there and they’re bound to be there and should be there. The different viewpoints make life much richer when you recognize the underlying current of well-being, belongingness, togetherness and wishing good for each other. Every parent wishes good for their child. Every child wants the best for their parents, so everyone’s intention points towards one thing. That’s happiness, harmony, and family, but their ways are different.
Arguments should be welcomed, welcomed by everyone, with open arms. If you welcome the argument, you’ll see that you’ll end up having humor. Arguments should end in humor, rather than in sadness and frustration. Really intelligent people know how to argue and how to snap out of it.” Have you ever suddenly broken out laughing in the middle of an argument? The best outcome for any conflict can involve less serious reactions about ourselves and each other.
How to make others see your point of view
Gurudev advises listeners, “A very important tip for every member of the family is to understand where the other person is coming from. Don’t step on their ego, and if you have, give them a big hug and keep them moving ahead. If you really want to argue, have a fresh argument every day. Don’t dig up the past. Don’t have stale arguments of the past or dig up how ‘Oh, five years ago you said this,’ and ‘Ten years ago you said that.’ No, if you want fireworks at home they should be absolutely fresh fireworks.”
By making sure you keep moving forward when you argue, the discussions become more relevant to the present moment. As Gurudev insists, “Determine on that. Embrace argument. Accept the diversity at home. You’ll grow tremendously, because every time you embrace the difference, you’ve expanded. You’ve given room for growth. Instead of getting into your own shell, holding on to your own idea, throw open your heart and mind. The world will be yours.”
Let others win
By intentionally setting yourself up to give others a chance to win arguments, you become free of your own positions. As Gurudev puts it, “We so often hold on to our ideas and get so stuck. For a moment, just let go of your ideas. Let others win the argument. This is an exercise for you today. What will you do? Start arguing at home and let the other person win the argument. Let everybody give victory as a gift to those who are arguing. You will see magic happening at home.”
Is there some reason why you act like you’re always right? Gurudev challenges his listeners with this observation: “In your life, each one of you has argued many times, and you’ve won many arguments. Why should you win in an argument all the time? Tell me. What if you lose an argument? So what? Is heaven going to fall? Is the world going to stop? See how it has stopped now with the corona? Ha ha. What worse can happen?”
With self-reflection, everyone at home can look in the mirror and answer Gurudev’s questions, “Why do you insist on winning every argument? Why don’t you let others also win? If everyone comes at arguments with this approach then suddenly you’ll find there’s better understanding.”
The story of Ram and Bharat
“You know the incident of Ram and Bharat?” asks Gurudev about the classic Indian story. “When Bharat came to be crowned, it’s said their minds got exchanged. Bharat wanted Ram to come back to Ayodhya and rule, and this is what he went to ask him. And Ram wanted Bharat to rule so this is what he went to tell him, ‘You go and rule.’ But when they met each other, their minds got exchanged, and Bharat said, ‘Whatever you want I will do that.’ And same, Ram said, ’Bharat, what do you want? I’m going to do that. Whatever you want to do.’”
Encouraging flexibility and mutual understanding, Gurudev states, “There’s greater joy in making others win than in winning itself. Have fun! Let others win sometimes and sometimes you win. It isn’t that every time you should make others win. I’m not telling you to be complacent, to be submissive, absolutely not! No submissiveness! No complete giving up your wishes, your freedom, no! Stick to it, but don’t be adamant on it and don’t spoil the fabric of the family or of society by sticking into your argument and thinking with a ‘my way or the highway’ attitude, right? This will be useful.”
To help you interact and argue while you also relate to others in more peaceful, less polarizing, adamant ways, the Master Class and Webinar from Art of Living is here for you. You could benefit from trying them today!
Elizabeth Herman writes, offers writing support to clients, teaches, and volunteers for a better world. She has a PhD in Rhetoric, Composition and Literature. Find her on Facebook or Twitter.
