By Kate Harveston | Posted: August 08, 2019
When a friend experiences a job loss, a divorce, a serious illness or other life traumas, it’s normal to feel powerless to help. Of course, you do want to do what you can to assist them: so how can you reach out when a friend is in need?
Many times, simply being there provides the help they need. But how long do you offer your support? What should you say, do, and avoid to respect their needs the most? The following eight tips can make it easier for you to do the right thing when a friend is hurting.
1. Validate Their Feelings
Nothing feels lousier when you're experiencing trauma than having someone else minimize the experience. Think of the #MeToo movement—the purpose of the hashtag isn't to one-up others on abuse they suffered, but rather to create a network of support and empathy with people who’ve gone through similar traumas.
The first thing to do when a friend opens up to you about a difficult situation of any type is to validate their feelings. Do so by using appropriate facial expressions and genuine interjections of shock or dismay. Say things such as, "I can't imagine how hard this must be for you," or, "You must be dealing with some heavy-duty emotions right now," to encourage them to share further if they wish.
2. Keep Quiet and Listen
Now is not the time to jump in and relate your tale of overcoming a similar tragedy. When your friend first confides what they're going through, remain quiet and practice active-listening skills like nodding appropriately, leaning forward and making eye contact. If your friend recently left an abusive marriage, for example, pass on sharing surviving a similar relationship yourself—at least at first. Later, when the initial shock wears off, you can uplift your friend with your own heroic tale, but for now, allow them to vent without interrupting.
3. Resist the Urge to Pry
Even though you do want to encourage your friend to pour their heart out, you don't want to pry. Do ask follow-up questions such as, "Do you have any plans going forward?" if a friend confides about a recent job loss, for instance. But don't rapid-fire question them on how they expect to pay their rent and utility bills for the month. No doubt they realize these fears, but if they're not ready or willing to voice them out loud, respect their silence.
4. Hold Everything in Confidence
As tempted as you may feel to spill the beans at the office water cooler, keep everything your friend tells you 100 percent mum. Few things ruin a friendship more quickly than gossiping information related to you in private.
Sometimes, well-meaning coworkers may ask you what is going on if they know you and another colleague are close. Resist the urge to either spill all or respond with a terse, "It's none of your business." You can simply state that they're dealing with some matters, and follow it up with, "I'm sure they'll fill you in if they feel the need to do so."
5. Make Specific Offers of Help
Saying, "Let me know if there's anything I can do," is easy and sounds supportive, but it may actually discourage your friend from asking for assistance. They don't know the limits of your time or money, most likely, and will shy away from asking out of a desire not to burden you.
Instead, make specific offers of help. If a friend confides in you about mental health issues, for example, and you have the time and means, offer to help them find a therapist or attend a meditation workshop with them. Meditation has been shown to greatly improve mental health, so not only will you be helping your friend, you’ll be growing right alongside them, too. If you lack money but can help with food prep and cleaning one weekend, offer to help with those chores.
6. Exercise Caution with Advice
Everyone has a unique life journey, including your friend. If they ask you for advice, feel free to offer your words of wisdom. Otherwise, refrain from telling them what they should do, and pass on putting restrictions on your friendship—for example, "If you don't leave that abusive jerk, I can't help you." Remain non-judgmental, even when you think your friend is making a mistake. If the circumstances were different, no doubt they'd choose an alternate course—but since you lack all the information, stay quiet.
7. Invite Them to Activities as Usual
It's easy to isolate yourself when you're going through a difficult time. Depending on the crisis your friend is experiencing, their urge or ability to socialize may take a temporary or even longer-term vacation. For example, if your friend is diagnosed with a chronic illness, they may desperately wish to get together, but their body may not always cooperate.
Few things feel more isolating than when friends drift away from you in your time of crisis. Even if your friend declines invitation after invitation, continue asking them to activities the way you normally would. Even if they never mention it, they will appreciate feeling included.
8. Know When to Ask for Help
Finally, if a friend exhibits behaviors such as talking about committing suicide or reveals an imminent plan to harm themselves, seek help. You can call a suicide prevention hotline to ask for advice on how to intervene.
If you're chatting by phone or text and a friend confides that they’ve put themselves in danger in any way, call 911. Police and emergency responders can perform a welfare check for their safety, especially if you can't get there quickly enough, as may be the case in a long-distance friendship.
Being There for a Friend in Need
When a friend confides in you about trauma or a difficult life experience, feeling helpless is normal, but not helpful. By following the eight tips above, you can offer a friend in need the meaningful aid and support they need to embark on the path toward healing.
Kate Harveston writes about wellness and mental health. If you enjoy her work, you can visit her women’s health blog, So Well, So Woman. You can follow her on Facebook and Twitter.
